Blame It On the Alcohol
by Cerez
Summary: A series of drunk Klaine stories featuring our favorite boys at various levels of intoxication.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Fox, Glee, Kurt, Blaine, so don't sue.

Totally random idea that popped into my head which I shall now impart unto you all. Basically, Kurt and Blaine live together in NYC and are returning home to Lima via automobile and for whatever reason our favorite countertenor has went and got himself wasted. Enjoy.

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><p>Blaine Anderson wasn't a fan of Wal-Mart. The parking lots were crazy, the people were crazier and it seemed that every time he went inside one, he came out wishing that he hadn't bothered going in. In other words, it wasn't exactly a chore to stay away from them. Or at least, it was easy to avoid them when your very drunk boyfriend wasn't trying to run you both off the road by constantly trying to shove his hands down your pants as he begged you to pull over and fuck him. And when you finally give in to do just that, you come to find that, well, damn, we forgot to pack a bottle of lube, so that takes care of that. But all he keeps saying is, "Please, Blaine, please. I neeeeed it" and then he mentions that Wal-Mart Super Center you passed by only just ten minutes ago ("Just ten minutes, Blaine!") and you're horny as hell so you listen. Like an idiot.<p>

And that was why Blaine was currently traipsing through some random Wal-Mart in some unknown state at - he checked his watch - two o'clock in the morning when they were supposed to be on the road, making their way towards Lima Ohio to see their families for the first time in over six months. And Kurt, who was drunk off his gourd, was trailing behind him, waddling like a duck and singling _Popular_ from Wicked horribly off key.

"Baby," Blaine said softly, as he glanced back at his boyfriend, "why are you walking like that?"

Kurt abruptly stopped singing and tiptoed over to Blaine, his legs still spread wide. "Because," he whispered as he glanced around with wide eyes, "it hurts."

"It?"

"My _PENIS_!" Kurt yelled quite possibly at the top of his lungs. A woman standing nearby guffawed loudly.

"_Shh!_" Blaine shushed Kurt as he jerked him away from the now chortling woman. Jesus fuck. Why in the hell had he let Kurt talk him into this?

"_First I'm gonna deep throat you and then, after that, after I _deep throat_ you, I want you to fuck me so hard that it makes my teeth chatter."_

Oh. Right.

_Eye on the prize, Anderson,_ Blaine told himself as he looked for an aisle label that might indicate there being a supply of sexual lubricants stocked on its shelves. _ Just get the lube and then you can get the hell out of here._

The sudden impact of Kurt launching himself onto Blaine's back caused the ex-Warbler to stumble forward. "Fu -_ Kurt_!" Throwing a hand out, Blaine managed to steady himself on a nearby sales rack before he face planted.

The drunken twenty-two year old giggled and kissed Blaine's cheek. "Hi, Blaine," he said happily, sounding quite proud of himself.

Well, damn. If that wasn't the cutest thing _ever_ then Blaine would eat his shoes. Only Kurt could be that frigging adorable while being ass-in-your-face obnoxious. "Why did you jump on me, baby?" Blaine asked in the tone of voice one might use when talking to an overindulgent five year old. He wrapped his arms under Kurt's legs to better support the younger boy's weight.

Kurt giggled again and shifted around a bit to get comfortable. "My penis is very hard. Like hard, hard. That's your fault. You made it that way. And it reeeally, reeeeally hurts when I walk. I mean, have you seen these pants I'm wearing?"

Kurt was just going to _love _hearing about this tomorrow. "Well, I'm sorry."

He felt Kurt shrug. "It's okay. You're gonna fuck me and make it better," he said huskily and Blaine felt Kurt thrust his erection against his back.

Blaine groaned low, once again extremely conscious of the tightness of his own pants. He needed to find that lube and quick before he did something that would get him arrested for engaging in lewd and lascivious behavior in a public place.

Locating the pharmaceutical aisles, Blaine took off in that direction with Kurt still on his back as he tried his best to ignore the feel of Kurt's tongue on his neck.

Damn it. Now _he_ was walking funny. And the effect was only made worse by the fact that he was carrying a person who was taller than he was. If Kurt had been walking like a duck then Blaine was walking like a duck with a pole shoved up its ass. They were certainly getting a number of odd looks and double takes.

As soon as he reached the correct aisle, Blaine immediately began scanning the shelves for personal lubricants. However, it was a bit difficult to concentrate with Kurt dry humping his lower back. "Kurt. You have to get down. I'll be able to look faster," Blaine explained as he let go of Kurt's legs. Kurt whined but did as Blaine instructed. "You wont have to walk. Just stand there."

Kurt looked anything but happy and Blaine kissed his cheek to placate him before turning to resume his search.

No, no, no, n - there! Grabbing the first bottle he saw that didn't have any odd scents or effects, Blaine turned to get Kurt. Now they could leave and-

_Fuck! _

Where the hell was Kurt?

Groaning, Blaine ran out of the aisle, turning his head in every direction as he searched for his missing boyfriend and sincerely hoped that he wouldn't find him jerking off somewhere. He could _not_ handle a repeat of the Piggly Wiggly incident of last year.

The sound of Kurt's voice coming from the opposite direction he was headed in brought Blaine to a halt. Turning so fast it made him a little dizzy, Blaine sprinted towards the familiar voice until he finally found Kurt in the linens aisle.

With a truly appalled look plastered on his attractive face, Kurt pointed and accusatory finger at the shoes of a tall blonde woman standing near him. "Do you have _any_ idea just how much of a _travesty _that is?" he demanded.

The blonde glared. "Probably no worse than the boner you're sporting right now," the woman said in a disgusted tone. Blaine groaned and hurried over to the couple. Damn Kurt and his tendency to wear skin tight, sexy as hell pants.

But Kurt only shook his head sadly at the woman. "Honey, there is _nothing_ worse than a neon yellow sock and Velcro sandal combo."

"I'm sorry, but I don't think what I choose to wear is any of your business."

Kurt scoffed. "It is when I have to look at it."

"_Kurt_," Blaine hissed as he grabbed his boyfriend by the bicep. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to save myself and our fellow Wal-Mart shoppers from exposure to an eyesore."

The woman's draw dropped in abject outrage.

"I'm so sorry," Blaine said in a rush. "He's drunk."

"Who the hell are you?" she asked Blaine.

Before he could explain, Kurt proudly stated, "This is my Blaine. First I'm going to deep throat him and then he's going to fuck me."

_Ho_migod.

"So sorry!" Blaine blurted before rushing off, dragging Kurt along behind him by the wrist. He glared down at his surprisingly still fully erect cock. "This is all your fault," he told it.

"Blaine, are you _talking to your penis_?"

"Of course not, baby."

When they finally neared the checkout area, Blaine cursed his rotten luck when he saw that all of the female cashiers had a line that ran twenty miles long. Well, shit.

It was almost three AM. Didn't these people sleep?

"Oh, oh, Blaine, there's one that's open!" Kurt said, running to perhaps the butchest guy in the store. Great.

Putting the sole bottle of lube on the conveyor belt, Blaine tried his best to look nonchalant, which was kind of hard with Kurt giggling incessantly.

"So…" the cashier - Ted, according to his name tag - began in a slow drawl, "are you guys, like, gay?"

Blaine sighed. "Are you seriously asking me that?"

Ted The Cashier shrugged and rang up the bottle. "Ten thirteen." Blaine handed him a twenty and Ted set to work on getting Blaine's change. "'Cause if you are that's, like, totally cool with me."

"Glad we have you're permission, then," he said, a bit snippy. Obviously he was spending way too much time with Kurt.

As soon as they exited the store, Blaine took a moment to take a deep breath of fresh air, already feeling one hundred percent calmer. _I am _never_ setting foot in a Wal-Mart again._

Kurt hugged him from behind and nuzzled his neck. "Can you carry me again, Blaine?" he asked and Blaine smiled because Kurt was usually less affectionate when sober.

"Hop on," he said, bracing himself. With a little "woopie!" Kurt jumped on Blaine's back and Blaine piggybacked his boyfriend to the car.

"Babe, you have to get down again so I can open the door. Kurt. Kurt?" Blaine cranked his neck to look over his shoulder. _You've got to be kidding me_. With his mouth wide open, Kurt drooled on Blaine's shoulder, dead asleep. Well, that just figured.

Sighing, Blaine bent over a little so he could free one of his hands without dropping Kurt. After a bit of a struggle, Blaine located the bleep-bleep (the technical term, of course) and unlocked the car. Carefully, he deposited the younger boy in the front seat without waking him and strapped him in before walking over to the driver side and climbing in. After throwing the bag with the lube in it in the back seat, Blaine started the car.

"At least you keep me amused," Blaine said softly as he studied Kurt's face made even more boyish in sleep. He was beautiful. Leaning over, Blaine kissed Kurt's forehead. "I love you," he whispered.

"Love…too, Blaine," Kurt mumbled in his sleep and Blaine smiled, unable to bring himself to be annoyed with Kurt for falling asleep. His erection was throbbing, painful even, and though he suspected denying himself relief might result in future erectile dysfunction, Kurt's reaction to all of this the next morning would be more than worth it.

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><p>Poor Blaine… Kurt left him high and dry.<p>

Tell me what you guys think.

I'm juggling with the idea of making this into a multi-chapter featuring a bunch of random drunk!Klaine drabbles. I'm kind of wondering myself what happened with Kurt in the Piggly Wiggly last year…

-Cerez


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Don't own Fox, Glee, Kurt, or Blaine, so don't sue.**

**A/N: So here we are! Round two! This is set a long while before the Wal-mart fiasco, as you will see. **

**Enjoy!**

"Blaine, stop it!" Kurt said through his teeth, trying really hard to remember why it would be a bad idea to strangle his idiot boyfriend as he brushed bits of packing foam from his hair.

Blaine just laughed and sprinkled a few more bits of the stuff on Kurt.

"Blaine! Stop! And get off the damn coffee table!" Kurt ordered. "What _is _it with you and standing on furniture?"

"It's fun," Blaine said. "You should try it."

Kurt scoffed. "Maybe I would if I wasn't busy unpacking all of these frigging boxes _all by myself_." He gestured to the boxes peppered all over their living room floor. They had finally, _finally _made it to New York City, but had been too tired after the long drive from Lima to do anything but fall into bed and go to sleep. The original plan had been to fly but Kurt had plane issues. There had been an… _incident._

Three months ago, when he and Blaine had come to New York together to find an apartment, a very long, very frightening (for Kurt, at least) bout of turbulence on the return flight to Ohio had led to a rather unfortunate hour spent at a Piggly Wiggly - a place neither Kurt nor Blaine would ever be returning to again, and not just because they were legally forbidden to do so. Kurt flat out refused to revisit the details of the event but the end result was basically no more planes for Kurt Hummel. Hence the driving.

"I helped," Blaine insisted, referring to the unpacking.

"No, you opened up the first box, yelled 'Yay, packing foam!' and then proceeded to throw it all over the place while skipping around like a puppy on crack. And now you've got your feet on my two hundred dollar coffee table. That is _not _help, Blaine."

"_Our_ two hundred dollar coffee table," Blaine corrected with a silly grin on his face.

Kurt snorted as he carefully pulled out the china plates that had once belonged to his mother. "No. Until you start helping me, everything in this apartment is mine."

"Including me?"

"I would have to want you first. As it is, however, I'd really just like to pawn you off on one of the neighbors we have yet to see."

"Well, _someone_ is a great big grumpy grump."

Kurt snorted. "Pissed is what I am. And furious is what I'll be if you don't start helping."

Blaine frowned and stepped down to the floor. "Are you really mad at me?"

"No," Kurt sighed. "But I will be if you don't help me."

"Okay," Blaine said as he walked over to where Kurt was sitting. He leaned down and placed a kiss on Kurt's eyebrow. Apparently, it was Blaine's new favorite place on Kurt's body to kiss if the several hundred times he had done it in the past few days were any indication. Kurt knew that the action really shouldn't be as cute as it was, but Blaine had a way of making the silliest things heartbreakingly adorable.

Blaine leaned back and grinned. "I'm going to get something to drink first. I'm thirsty."

Kurt watched his boyfriend as he stood up and wandered towards their kitchen. "Again?" Kurt asked. "This is like the tenth time you've gotten a drink. You can't be _that_ thirsty."

"I can't help it, though!" Blaine called from the kitchen. "This stuff is amazing."

"Of course it is," Kurt mumbled to himself, pulling the tape off another box as he debated whether or not he should just keep his mother's plates in the kitchen or buy a Curio Cabinet. "I'll have some of whatever it is you're drinking," he called out, "because now you've made _me _thirsty."

Blaine walked back into the living room but Kurt was too busy with his task to pay his boyfriend much attention. "I don't think you'll like it," Blaine mused.

"Why?" Kurt asked distractedly as he glanced up from the half opened box. "What is-" His eyes narrowed at Blaine's hand. Or rather what was _in_ Blaine's hand. "Blaine, what is that?"

An entirely ridiculous grin broke out over Blaine's face as he giggled. _Giggled_. "Umm, nothing?"

Kurt pushed the box away and slowly got to his feet, all thoughts of unpacking and Curio Cabinets completely forgotten. "Blaine, I swear to Gaga if that is what I think it is-"

"It's mine," Blaine said as he thrust out a hand to keep Kurt at bay.

Kurt snorted. "Where did you get it? Or better yet, _how_ did you get it?"

Blaine held 'it' up to his face - 'it' being a bottle of an alcoholic something or other wrapped up in a brown paper bag - to study. And asking _how_ Blaine had acquired the bottle was a valid concern given the fact that Blaine was not yet twenty-one. "The pretty lady gave it to me."

"What lady?" Kurt demanded.

"The pretty one downstairs."

Kurt rose a brow. Suddenly Blaine's behavior the past thirty minutes made a lot more sense. But then, Blaine was always a bit of a puppy and when Kurt had asked him to run to the store to buy light bulbs, he hadn't thought he would to need to be on the lookout for whether or not his boyfriend would return sober. "You mean a neighbor?"

Blaine shook his head. "Nuh uh. She lives on the bench outside. The one next to the walkway."

Kurt's body went stiff. There was absolutely just _no way_ that Blaine meant what Kurt was afraid he meant.

"Don't tell me… you don't mean that hobo with the green jacket and the track pants, do you?"

"Yup!"

"Oh my - that's a _man_, Blaine!" Kurt shrieked. "And he sure as hell isn't 'pretty!' He's got, like, six teeth missing!"

Blaine pulled a face resembling that of someone who had just sucked on a lemon. "That's mean, Kurt. You're mean. She's not a man. She's got long hair. Girls have long hair because they're girls. And she is too pretty. It's cause she's got blue eyes. That's pretty." He tipped the bottle back to his lips.

"_Don't!_" Kurt leapt over a box and ripped the bottle out of Blaine's hands. Liquid sloshed down Blaine's front and onto the floor, but that was no matter so long as it stayed out of his mouth. Blaine reached for the bottle but Kurt held it away. "Put that lip away, Blaine Anderson, or I will bite it off. I can not _believe _you accepted alcohol from a hobo."

Blaine whined, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet. "Give it, Kurt! Clark gave it to me!"

"A hobo named Clark. If that isn't the first thing wrong with this picture then I don't know what is."

Blaine stopped bouncing to run a finger slowly down Kurt's chest. He smiled coyly at Kurt, a glint in his eye. "Give it back."

Kurt supposed that Blaine was going for seductive. He wasn't doing a very good job of it, though, because instead he just looked rather unfortunate.

With a decisive snort, Kurt slapped Blaine's hand away. "I don't believe this. You are such an idiot. You don't know what he put in here." He giggled the bottle in Blaine's pouting face. "What if it's laced with drugs or he made it in his toilet or something equally as gross?"

Blaine wrinkled his nose. "That's just silly. Clark doesn't have a toilet. She lives on the bench outside. She potties in the bushes. I saw her do it, Kurt!"

"Oh my god, you didn't."

"I totally _did_!" Blaine insisted, gleeful. Then he frowned. "And you know what, Kurt? You want to know what? She pees funny. She stood up. And after she did it; after she stood up and peed on the little bush with the pretty pink flowers - you know the one because I picked you a flower from it yesterday - she _jiggled her hips_. Like a man."

"Ohmigod, Blaine, pleasestoptalking. The continuation of our relationship and your space on the bed tonight depend on you being _quiet._"

Blaine closed his mouth with an audible snap and raised his hand in the air, waving it about excitedly.

Kurt sighed, suddenly very tired. "What, Blaine?"

"Can I have the bottle back?"

"No! No, you cannot have it back! I'm dumping it!" He started for the kitchen but Blaine flailed his arms wildly and blocked the way, jumping at Kurt at the same time.

"Nooooo!" Blaine wailed. "You _can't!_ It's Clark's Birthday Bacardi! She was crying and she said that she hated herself and she kept saying that she wished she could have a drink cause it's her birthday and you can't just _ignore_ _a birthday wish _so I gave her money and she got me a bottle, too, and that was really nice of her and _you can't dump it!_"

Kurt held Blaine's smaller but stronger body with his forearm, which he had strategically placed on Blaine's chest. "Jesus, Blaine, are you crazy? Stop it!"

"Give it back, Kurt! If you give it back, I'll kiss you!" Blaine leaned forward to do just that and Kurt yelped.

"No! No kissing! I am _not_ kissing you until your body has rid itself of Clark's nasty toilet juice."

"I _told _you Kurt, Clark doesn't have a toilet potty. She potties in-"

"_What did I say about talking!_"

Blaine clapped his hands over his mouth.

With a parting glare, Kurt pivoted on his heal and stomped back to the box he had been trying to open. He placed the bottle in his lap.

From the corner of his eye, he watched as Blaine slowly lowered himself to the floor and folded his legs into a pretzel shape once he got there. Eyeing Kurt somewhat nervously, Blaine scooted himself closer by shimmying his bottom across the floor, his arms stretched out at either side of him. Whenever Kurt looked over at him, he would freeze and quickly look away to glance around the room. Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Hey, Kurt," Blaine whispered loudly.

Keeping his eyes on his work, Kurt ignored him.

"Kurt." Blaine tried again. "Hey, Kurt. Kurt. Hey. _Kurt. _Kurt! Kuuuuurt, Kurt, K-"

"What?" Kurt snapped.

"Do you still love me?"

Kurt eyed Blaine from his place on the floor. "For reasons I no longer understand," he said.

"For… huh?"

"It means yes."

"Yes, what?"

"For the love of - yes, I love you!"

"Oh, goody!"

"Goody, Blaine? Really?"

Blaine was quiet for about five seconds. "How _much_ do you love me?"

Kurt glanced at him. "Not enough to give you the bottle back, so don't ask."

"Damn," Blaine muttered at the floor.

_Finally_, Kurt succeeded in opening the box.

"Hey, Kurt?" Blaine asked, peaking up at Kurt through his eyelashes as he picked at some lint on his sock.

Kurt sighed and let his hands fall to his sides. "Yes, Blaine?"

"Will… will you cuddle with me? If we go lay down on the bed? I was kind of looking at you, and you know, you're really pretty, Kurt. And that spot on your shoulder is all squishy on my cheek when we cuddle. I don't really want the bottle anymore. But only if you cuddle with me."

Well, shit.

"Okay, Blaine, we can go cuddle." Kurt stood up and held out his hand for Blaine to take. Blaine smiled a bit dreamily and let Kurt pull him up. Careful not to let either himself or Blaine knock over the bottle of Bacardi on the floor, Kurt lead Blaine to their bedroom. Kurt would cuddle with Blaine until the other boy fell asleep. _Then_ he would go back and get rid of Clark's bottle.

**Drunk!Blaine is kind of an adorable three year old. He's a silly little curly top but I love him. **

**So... like it? Didn't like it? Let me know.**

**And thank you to everyone who reviewed the first installment of this rather strange series!**

**-Cerez**


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